Tuesday, May 25, 2010

CALLING THE MARRIAGE DOCTOR

I am struck by the number of young couples together more than 10 years who are struggling. It seems as if life sucks out their love for each other. The pressures and stresses of work and finances combined with those of raising children in a more complex and demanding world leaves no time to nurture the garden of love.

Instead, communications fail,distance and disconnects creep in and stink weeds grow tall where beautiful flowers once flourished naturally. Dreams of the past become nightmares for the present and future.

A big problem is combined couple complacency. The erosion is allowed to linger unchallenged for much too long.If your kid had a fever for months and months that continued for years and years you would not allow it to go unchecked. If your marriage has a fever call a marriage doctor ASAP. So much depends on getting help in a timely fashion. In the garden of love too many weeds can choke it, keeping it from ever growing back. That is both irresponsible and sad for all concerned.

In many ways marriage is an unnatural act as I argued 20+ years ago (see williampenzer.com:A Realistic View of Marriage and Divorce). But so, I am afraid, is divorce, especially when young and innocent children are caught in the middle of the weeds.

Bye For Now,

Bill

3 comments:

  1. After working closely with the family courts; it is a bonifide fact that the adults (parents?) are only considered when one or both may be a threat to the children. Otherwise,property and dollars are their roles in the divorce process from my expereince. How do kids of divorce thrive and outgrow the weeds? Well lots of nuturing from both parents. Parents keeping their egos and issues out of the "garden". Make a grunt and growl effot to develop them into the kind of kids they want to be and maybe the kind you want too. Make your children happy and secure, that's what matters.

    Mimi Gegg, M. Ed
    Director
    Tranquility Center
    Dr. William Penzer and Associates

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  2. PS "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck might be of interest.

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  3. I don’t know why but I always seem to take exception to those who refer to “complacency” in this situation….as if you are so content and floating along that one day you are startled to find out your marriage is ending. Definitions of complacency include words like satisfied and content and I know those people are out there but I can’t believe that is the norm these days. In the typical day which you describe, I think couples are just plain drowning and neither person can stay afloat to save the other let alone have they taken the pre-requisite CPR course.

    In my world, the child doesn’t have a fever because the fever would have been spotted immediately and taken care of appropriately. In my world it is more like a strange indescribable chronic pain where you try all different kinds of solutions/remedies and you may visit all kinds of specialists in hopes that something helps.

    I think people want to fix what is wrong but don’t know how. Have you ever walked up to someone at work or a friend and said….”hey, my wife and I are really having problems…do you happen to know a good shrink?” As sad as it is we (those married 10+) are ALL having the same problems dealing with the complexity of life and its effects on our relationships but most aren’t willing to go out on a limb and ask their friends for help..whether it be something like asking how to keep things spiced up in a relationship or a referral for a good counselor. It’s embarrassing since everyone else “seems” to be holding it together just fine.

    I have a tendency to blurt out my problems to unsuspecting friends (a tendency I am pretty sure my spouse despises) but not because I want them to help me but because I see the pain in their eyes too. I have been through so much on my journey and feel I have helped many people because they are relieved to finally hear that someone else is going through the same thing and they are not alone. Anyway....I just think that there is so much more than complacency and I have much to say on this topic but my complex life dictates that I now must work……

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